(It’s been a long time, so I’m a bit rusty and didn’t feel like putting on the editor’s hat at all for this one, so make sure you take that into consideration before you — rightly– call me a fucking idiot in the comments.)
I awaken from my latest death in the bowels of Elphael, Brace of the Haligtree and run down the corridor that I’ve run down 36 previous times and stand before the shroud of mist that obscures my path into the lair of Malenia Blade of Miquella. I have visited the Raya Lucaria Academy three times in these 36 previous runs, completely respeccing my character from bleed/dex build, to fire art/faith build, to intelligence/whogivesashit build and, finally, back to fire art/faith build. It is at this point that I sit back and begin to wonder just what the fuck I’m doing with my life.
I’ve been trying to defeat Malenia now for, I don’t even know, 10 hours spread over 3 days. Maybe less, but maybe more, which is terrifying. I don’t even know why I’m trying to fight her or who she even really is, other than “the hardest boss in the game” according to everything I’ve read. So, I prepare to reenter her lair and get skewered (again) as soon as she decides to do her stupid, completely unfair, and utterly evil “dance”. Every now and then I’ll dodge it and get away with little or no damage, but never twice in the same fight. Then it’s wake up and run down the same hall…
As I mentioned, I honestly have no idea why I’m even here. According to the wiki:
Malenia, Blade of Miquella and Malenia, Goddess of Rot is a two-phase Demigod Boss in Elden Ring. She is the twin sister of Miquella and gained renown for her legendary battle against Starscourge Radahn during the Shattering, in which she unleashed the power of the Scarlet Rot and reduced Caelid to ruins. This is an optional boss, as players do not need to defeat her in order to advance in Elden Ring (emphasis mine).
If that paragraph makes absolutely no sense to you, then welcome to my world. I have over 250 hours in on Elden Ring and I don’t understand it, either. Sure, I know who Radahn is and I’m aware of something called the Shattering and I know Caelid and it’s giant fucking ravens suck, but none of this has anything to do with why I’m about to get Cuisinart-ed again. I already killed Radahn, but I honestly don’t know why other than I was told I had to and the dude was seriously going to kill that tiny horse he was riding. I don’t know why she has Scarlet Rot or why she was fighting Radahn, or how Miquella fits into any of this (and I’ve played Shadow of the Erdtree!). I’ve even gone and watched hours of videos on the lore of Elden Ring, and I still don’t know what the hell is actually going on (even the parts I do understand don’t make any sense). There were a bunch of gods, one did something to the Elden Ring (what is that exactly? I don’t know), and now they’re all crazy and fighting and the world sucks or something. And I need to kill them because I’m a Tarnished, which I don’t totally understand either.
And yet here I stand, trying to kill Malenia yet again, after 250+ hours in. Am I even having fun? I honestly don’t know. This doesn’t feel like fun. It feels like rage and frustration. But, I’m playing a game. CHOOSING to play a game, so it must be fun, right? I wouldn’t be wasting all this time on something I hate, would I?
I have also been playing Baldur’s Gate 3 (I have nearly 400 hours into that one), and I think about the contrast between the two. I know I’m having fun playing BG3, even on my 4th playthrough and completing quests or working through fights I’ve been through before. What’s the difference? Not just the difficulty. I’ve had some fights where I’ve had to save scum until I get the “perfect” outcome I was hoping for (if those damn gnomes could just climb a ladder), and of my 4 playthroughs I’ve made it to the final encounter each time, but only successfully “beaten” the game once.
I’ll tell you what the difference is: Baldur’s Gate 3 is a living, breathing world with characters, places, quests, and enemies that I actually care about. The third act of BG3 lets you explore the titular city and its a living, breathing place where every person on the street has a voice or something to say. Where every shop is staffed and selling stuff even if it’s food, which I don’t think I’ve ever bought from a vendor in any of my playthroughs. There are old women weeping at graves, young kids running through alleys, newspapers you can buy and more. It feels like a world worth fighting for. In Elden Ring, you get beauty beyond anything I’ve seen in a game, but its hollow and empty. There are no people anywhere, and those that do exist are simply there for you to slaughter. The cities are all desolate, empty voids full of enemy after enemy after monster after boss. Elden Ring is basically the D&D modules I made when I was 10 where I would fill an entire sheet of graph paper with rooms and hallways so that not even one empty space remained and then filled in every room in the dungeon with never-repeating monsters from the Monster Manual.
So, why am I playing Elden Ring? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know why I’ve sunk so much time into it or why it keeps bringing me back. There’s a promise when you start Elden Ring of a huge world full of interesting things that you can explore. They don’t break that promise; Elden Ring is a marvel of design. It just doesn’t have any real heart. It feels like the only reason to do anything is for the runes, loot, or bragging rights. That’s why I’m about to try Malenia again. Just so I can tell my 19 year-old son that I did it after he swore I would never be able to and that he can now go fuck himself.
So, I go through the mist and summon my trusty ol’ Larval Tear (yes, I’ve died this many times and I use my fully leveled-up spirt ash). It’s close…my companion takes more aggro off me than usual, leaving me some openings to do some major damage with my Nagakiba. She’s down 50% and the cutscene happens which means she’s back to full health and I have to do it again, only this time she has new moves. Dodge…counter…dodge…she falls and whispers, “O, dearest Miquella, my brother…I’m sorry. I finally met my match…” I smile, but it fades. There is no joy, no time for celebration in Elden Ring. Instead, I sigh and open the map to find the Site of Grace nearest to Mogh, Lord of Blood (who’s related to Malenia somehow or some shit? Who knows?) and prepare for my next headache.
