David Neumann

I hate myself and don’t want to live anymore…the living hell that is Elden Ring

September 24, 2024 David Neumann 0

(It’s been a long time, so I’m a bit rusty and didn’t feel like putting on the editor’s hat at all for this one, so make sure you take that into consideration before you — rightly– call me a fucking idiot in the comments.) I awaken from my latest death in the bowels of Elphael, Brace of the Haligtree and run down the corridor that I’ve run down 36 previous times and stand before the shroud of mist that obscures my path into the lair of Malenia Blade of Miquella. I have visited the Raya Lucaria Academy three times in these 36 previous runs, completely respeccing my character from bleed/dex build, to fire art/faith build, to intelligence/whogivesashit build and, finally, back to fire art/faith build. It is at this point that I sit back and begin to wonder just what the fuck I’m doing with my life.

Quarantine Cycle: Games to play when your family won’t and friends are socially distanced

April 3, 2020 David Neumann 8

Looking on the bright side–not my forte, mind you–this whole global pandemic thing has at least one good thing going for it: it’s gotten our friend Kelsey back at the writing desk. If you’ve been paying attention, Kelsey has penned a series of articles about what to do with your loved ones now that you’re caged up with them like a tiger at the G.W. Zoo. His work inspired me to pen an article about what to do if you and your family have more of a Joe Exotic/Carole Baskin vibe. That is, what to do when your family hates games, won’t play them with you, and hates your for even suggesting such a thing? Head to the internet, my friends. Here’s games you can play either asynchronously or in real-time with friends even when you can’t be sitting around the same table.

Just when I thought I was out, Slay the Spire pulls me back in

January 20, 2020 David Neumann 10

PC/Mac/Linux, Xbox, PS4, Switch While I haven’t completely stopped playing Slay the Spire, I will admit my weekly numbers are down. In fact, other than plane-trip-long sessions on my Switch, Slay the Spire has been mostly ignored. Somehow, I had managed to slip free of the shackles that Slay the Spire’s relentlessly addictive gameplay had bound me in…until I logged into Steam yesterday. Sonofabitch, they added a new class. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Review: Maze Machina

January 20, 2020 David Neumann 9

iOS, Android According to the wayback machine, it’s been over eight months since we’ve posted a review here at Stately Play. Despite this, I still try to convince myself that, somehow, we’re relevant [hahahahahahahahahahahaha -ed.]. It took our German friends at TiNYTOUCHTALES to put an end to our torpor. Last week the developers of such mobile classics as Card Crawl and Card Thief released their latest time waster and it’s a doozy. In fact, Maze Machina might be their best game yet.

Nomad bringing Dracula and all his Fury to digital

January 8, 2020 David Neumann 5

One game that I love, love, love but my group hates, hates, hates is the oft-streamlined and re-released classic, Fury of Dracula. Originally released back in the 80’s as a roll-and-move, the latest version (the 4th edition) was released this year and there’s not a die to be found. The new 4th edition is the one that Nomad, crafters of gems like Talisman and Mystic Vale, is bringing to digital later this year.

Dire Wolf delivers Yellow & Yangtze to mobile, Steam

December 12, 2019 David Neumann 0

iOS, Android, PC/Mac Earlier this year Dire Wolf Digital surprised us with a lengthy list of board games they’re going to be bringing to digital over the next few years. The announcement was followed by the release of Raiders of the North Sea which is one of the best board game apps of 2019. Since July it’s been quiet on the Dire Wolf front, however, with nary a word about the progress on titles like Root or, my most anticipated, Mage Knight. Today, however, Dire Wolf is back in the spotlight with the second release from their burgeoning portfolio: Reiner Knizia’s Yellow & Yangtze.

Warhammer Underworlds: Online gets trailer, EA release date

December 6, 2019 David Neumann 0

PC So here’s another game I didn’t know was in the works. I know I’ve been gone for a couple months but I’m starting to feel like I just woke up from a 20-year coma. The game is Warhammer Underworlds which is apparently the full title of a tabletop game I simply knew as Shadespire all this time. It’s coming to Early Access in January and, holy crap, does it look amazing.

Eight-Minute Empire tournament sets sail in January

December 6, 2019 David Neumann 0

iOS, Android, PC/Mac/Linux, Switch We love Acram Digital here at Stately Play manor and not only because our forums were the cornerstone of their massive Istanbul tournament from last December. Okay, that’s part of it, but bottom line is they make some damn fine board game ports and even manage to pull off online multiplayer better than some of the bigger fish in the digital board game pond (cough**Asmodee**cough). They’re on the cusp of running another massive tournament–this time for Eight-Minute Empire–and it would be a shame if the Stately Players [you leave for 2 months and then pull this? You son of a bitch. -ed.] weren’t a big part of it. Jump past the break for details and signup info.

Return of the Obra Dinn sails onto Switch this October

October 3, 2019 David Neumann 1

PC/Mac, Switch, PS4, Xbox One of the most unique gaming experiences I’ve ever had came from the prodigious mind of one Lukas Pope. Of course, I’m talking about the horror-simulation Papers, Please which I played way back in 2014 when it arrived on iOS. Completely unique and terrifying in how it roped you into hurting others to save yourself as you worked in the slowly grinding gears of an dystopian bureaucracy. It seems fitting that the next game that gripped me as much as that title also came from Lukas Pope in the form of Return of the Obra Dinn. An incredible mystery game that managed to be unlike anything before or since. If you’ve been waiting to play Obra Dinn for some reason, your time has come. On October 18 we can expect it on Switch, Xbox, and PS4.

Bad North heading to the small screen

October 3, 2019 David Neumann 1

iOS, Android, PC/Mac, Xbox The viking-themed real-time roguelite, Bad North, has been around for a bit now, having released on Switch way back in August of 2018. I’ve purchased the game on both Switch and PC and have yet to play it. I don’t know why. It looks amazing (hence the multiple purchases) but it just hasn’t been able to push aside whatever other game I’ve been sinking my time into. (This isn’t Bad North’s fault. Those other games are Slay the Spire and Factorio, so…) Now, however, I feel confident that I’ll finally give this gem the time it deserves because it can now fit in my pocket. Bad North arrives on iOS/Android on October 15.